Post by V~ on Jul 29, 2013 17:09:00 GMT
My sobering story~
I have wrestled with the bottle for years.
It was my way, to drink my emotions down since I was in high school.
Oh don't get me wrong, I have had many periods of sobriety over the years, but when things got emotionally tough, alcohol was there to comfort me.
I used to judge myself severely for this behavior, thus creating more of a need to drink those icky feelings down.
I came to realize, that my own self-loathing was adding fuel to the fire.
I decide I would allow myself to be where I was at, and get off the throne of judgment.
It took some doing, but I became my own objective observer. That act alone, led to a greatly diminished desire for numbness. I could see alcohols choke on me lessening its grip. But it
still had a hold.
Around this time, Gobi came into my life by way of my daughter.
I was SO attracted to him for some reason and would often ask my daughter if I could have him. I would actually avoid Rachel's room at the time, so I wouldn't get attached… but when Rachel
went through a difficult breakup & was not caring for her dragons like she should, I was able to
negotiate a deal to keep Gobs for my very own.
Due to the lack of proper nutrition, Gobi had developed metabolic bone disease.
By the time I realized what was going on with him, he had not gone to the bathroom for over a month. I was new to this dragon stuff and was more concerned with getting lots of food into him,
than what the impact of the overload was doing to her crippled system.
When by research, I figured out what was going on, I made a 'hospital' for him and nursed him like you wouldn't believe! This mad cute lizard seemed so appreciative. I swear he loved the
attention! I would do energy work on him, rotate him from a bath, then back to the hospital again,
repeating this several times a day, in an effort to unplug his system.
Eventually, Gobi healed, although his spine was disfigured somewhat. But he was happy and healthy.
Gobi and I became good friends. I was in love with him and I believed he lived on my love, when there was no reason for him to physically stay alive.
We developed a language of our own through head bobs, something I did not know was unique until he left me.
I just 'knew' what he was thinking, never more so, when he would struggle to get out of my drunken grasp.
He HATED my drinking.
The last time I saw him... he had violently insisted that I put her down, which I did reluctantly.
Gobi was not caged once he grew big enough to hold his own with the cats, so I put him in the back bedroom to roam as he pleased.
He never got to a normal size because of his health issues, (but she certainly got fat!)
I left him inside, because he insisted I release him.
But I also I left the screen door open, because I was seriously partying with friends and not paying attention.
You see...because I was drunk. I did not make sure Gobi was safely inside before I went to bed. I discovered he was gone in the middle of the night, but figured he was just asleep somewhere.
In the morning… when I woke up… I knew he was gone...gone.
I just 'knew' even though I searched frantically for him.
Something inside of me blew out like a flame in the wind. It was palpable this feeling, akin to a flipping a light switch with your hand, only it happened in my inner spirit.
My drinking had finally cost me something I loved.
There was a price, a consequence, to be paid for my reckless behavior
and it had finally caught up with me. I
My Gobi was gone...
GONE!
I shutter to think of how many more ways I could have paid that price. It could have just have easily been a wrong move with Rachel, a DUI, a broken marriage, a fatal turn that causes human
loss. It makes me sick
to my stomach just thinking about the possibilities.
Losing Gobi was a wake up call so extreme, it forever changed something within me.
Today as I think back to that fateful day, I am remembering a creature companion that gave his life so I might live.
He was able to accomplish in me, something I could not fully do for myself.
And I believe he knew all along he would go to the cross roads with me on this.
For this reason, he is my savior.
I will be eternally grateful for my chubby little Gobs and the gift of life he brought me.
While I write...the tears are streaming.
I miss my Gobi so much & yet I am living a life of freedom because of him.
There are no words to explain the grief I feel at his loss, or the triumph of spirit that has risen in me, because of his sacrifice.
I hope Gobi knows how sorry I am.
It has been over two years now, and I still cry every time I read these words, my sorrow runs so deep.
I long for the day when we will meet again in the ever-after, so I might thank him face to face. I want to hold him in an embrace so tight, and so long…. he will find a brand new reason to struggle to get free of my grasp.
Victory May 18th 2008
I have wrestled with the bottle for years.
It was my way, to drink my emotions down since I was in high school.
Oh don't get me wrong, I have had many periods of sobriety over the years, but when things got emotionally tough, alcohol was there to comfort me.
I used to judge myself severely for this behavior, thus creating more of a need to drink those icky feelings down.
I came to realize, that my own self-loathing was adding fuel to the fire.
I decide I would allow myself to be where I was at, and get off the throne of judgment.
It took some doing, but I became my own objective observer. That act alone, led to a greatly diminished desire for numbness. I could see alcohols choke on me lessening its grip. But it
still had a hold.
Around this time, Gobi came into my life by way of my daughter.
I was SO attracted to him for some reason and would often ask my daughter if I could have him. I would actually avoid Rachel's room at the time, so I wouldn't get attached… but when Rachel
went through a difficult breakup & was not caring for her dragons like she should, I was able to
negotiate a deal to keep Gobs for my very own.
Due to the lack of proper nutrition, Gobi had developed metabolic bone disease.
By the time I realized what was going on with him, he had not gone to the bathroom for over a month. I was new to this dragon stuff and was more concerned with getting lots of food into him,
than what the impact of the overload was doing to her crippled system.
When by research, I figured out what was going on, I made a 'hospital' for him and nursed him like you wouldn't believe! This mad cute lizard seemed so appreciative. I swear he loved the
attention! I would do energy work on him, rotate him from a bath, then back to the hospital again,
repeating this several times a day, in an effort to unplug his system.
Eventually, Gobi healed, although his spine was disfigured somewhat. But he was happy and healthy.
Gobi and I became good friends. I was in love with him and I believed he lived on my love, when there was no reason for him to physically stay alive.
We developed a language of our own through head bobs, something I did not know was unique until he left me.
I just 'knew' what he was thinking, never more so, when he would struggle to get out of my drunken grasp.
He HATED my drinking.
The last time I saw him... he had violently insisted that I put her down, which I did reluctantly.
Gobi was not caged once he grew big enough to hold his own with the cats, so I put him in the back bedroom to roam as he pleased.
He never got to a normal size because of his health issues, (but she certainly got fat!)
I left him inside, because he insisted I release him.
But I also I left the screen door open, because I was seriously partying with friends and not paying attention.
You see...because I was drunk. I did not make sure Gobi was safely inside before I went to bed. I discovered he was gone in the middle of the night, but figured he was just asleep somewhere.
In the morning… when I woke up… I knew he was gone...gone.
I just 'knew' even though I searched frantically for him.
Something inside of me blew out like a flame in the wind. It was palpable this feeling, akin to a flipping a light switch with your hand, only it happened in my inner spirit.
My drinking had finally cost me something I loved.
There was a price, a consequence, to be paid for my reckless behavior
and it had finally caught up with me. I
My Gobi was gone...
GONE!
I shutter to think of how many more ways I could have paid that price. It could have just have easily been a wrong move with Rachel, a DUI, a broken marriage, a fatal turn that causes human
loss. It makes me sick
to my stomach just thinking about the possibilities.
Losing Gobi was a wake up call so extreme, it forever changed something within me.
Today as I think back to that fateful day, I am remembering a creature companion that gave his life so I might live.
He was able to accomplish in me, something I could not fully do for myself.
And I believe he knew all along he would go to the cross roads with me on this.
For this reason, he is my savior.
I will be eternally grateful for my chubby little Gobs and the gift of life he brought me.
While I write...the tears are streaming.
I miss my Gobi so much & yet I am living a life of freedom because of him.
There are no words to explain the grief I feel at his loss, or the triumph of spirit that has risen in me, because of his sacrifice.
I hope Gobi knows how sorry I am.
It has been over two years now, and I still cry every time I read these words, my sorrow runs so deep.
I long for the day when we will meet again in the ever-after, so I might thank him face to face. I want to hold him in an embrace so tight, and so long…. he will find a brand new reason to struggle to get free of my grasp.
Victory May 18th 2008
